STARRING: Taylor Lautner, Selena Gomez, Adolescent Stupidity
RATING: this would be okay for a ten year old to read... so long as that ten year old is sort of skanky. Not a lot skanky, just skanky in the way that The Jonas Brothers are skanky without being skanks.
PHOTOS: May 5, 2009: Vancouver, Canada: Lainey Gossip
The rain has just stopped falling as Taylor and Selena make their way out of their latest date in Vancouver. Clearly, something is bothering Selena because every so often she lets out a sigh of exasperation and defeat. Taylor takes notice and on the third go around of Selena sighing, he finally decides to address the issue.
TAYLOR: What’s wrong?
SELENA: Nothing.
TAYLOR: (concerned) Are you still upset that I beat you in skiball?
SELENA: (pouty) No.
TAYLOR: (prodding) Are you upset because you didn’t have enough tickets for the rainbow slinky and had to settle for the plain metal one? I told you I’d buy you the rainbow one tomorrow.
SELENA: Hmmfff … No that’s not it either.
TAYLOR: (slightly exhasperated) Well SOMETHING’s wrong! You’ haven’t stopped pouting since we left Chuck E Cheese.
SELENA: (pouting, whinny) that’s not trueee.
Taylor turns towards Selena... putting on his best dutiful boyfriend routine and softly pleads with her.
TAYLOR: Selena, honey*, just tell me. I just want to fix whatever is upsetting you.
SELENA: (frustrated) Well… it’s just that (stops short and sighs) I guess… (sighs)I mean…
(sighs once more… then quietly) I don’t know, I thought it would have happened by now.
TAYLOR: (utterly confused) What would have happened by now?
SELENA: (embarrassed) Nothing, its no big deal.
They don’t speak for a long moment as Taylor thinks through what she’s just said… all of a sudden, thinking he’s figured it out, the proverbial light bulb over his head flashes bright with realization… well it’s actually sort of just a dim glow… we all know there are too many ‘roids floating around in poor Tay Tay to illicit anything more than a glow… I bet he can’t even count backwards from 100… wait… I don’t know if I can do that…
TAYLOR: (with wide eyes and eager enthusiasm) OH. OHHH! You really want to do that? I didn’t really get the impression that you were ready for that… YES! I mean… if you want to, because I WANT TO. I mean if you are ready. You know. Which… you are?! Yes!
SELENA: (confused) What are you talking about?
TAYLOR: (hesitantly) Ahhhh…You know… the next level… hanky panky… hitting one out of the park… doing the deed… the nasty…
SELENA: (accusingly) TAYLOR DANIEL LAUTNER!
Taylor realizes she's not talking about getting it on and quickly scrambles to recover
TAYLOR: (dejected) Oh… sorry.
Selena shakes her head in disapproval as she regains her composure.
SELENA: (candidly) What I meant was… I mean what I was trying to say is… well ... (she growls in aggrevation) GRRRR… WHY HAVEN’T YOU IMPRINTED ON ME YET?!?!
Taylor's eyes Bug out of his head and he stares at Selena as if she's just suggested that he take a nice long jump off a sharp steep cliff.
TAYLOR: (confused) What?!
SELENA: (rushed) I mean you like me and I like you so why haven’t we imprinted yet?
TAYLOR: (emphatic confusion) What are you talking about?
SELENA: (angry) Taylor Daniel Luatner don’t pretend you don’t know what imprinting is and that you haven’t wondered why it hasn’t happened for you and me yet! And don’t make me have to use your full name again mister!
Taylor takes a few deep breaths and squeezes the bridge of his nose. Finally, composed he straightens up and sighs audibly.
TAYLOR: (patiently and pointedly) Selena… imprinting is something Stephanie Meyers MADE up for werewolves. Imprinting. Doesn’t. Exist. (pauses) Vampires. Don’t. Exist. (pauses) Werewolves. Don’t. Exist. (encouragingly) Remember, we talked about this? Twice.
Selena turns her body towards Taylor. Clearly, unhappy with his reply. She eyes him challengingly.
SELENA: (inquisitively) Well then, if werewolves don’t exist, explain to me how you’ve gotten so tall. I’ve seen sharkboy. I know you haven’t always looked like this.
TAYLOR: (patiently) I was 13 when I made sharkboy, Selena. It’s called puberty. I bet you didn’t have those boobs four years ago either?
SELENA: (thoughtfully) Okay well then… why is Rob so pale?
TAYLOR: (matter-of-factly) Because he’s a hermit? Because he’s English? Because staying out of the sun is the one thing in his contract he will agree to do? Take your pick.
Selena glares at him while she contemplates what he’s saying. Having thought of a new question, she smiles.
SELENA: (smugly) Okay then Mr. answers, explain why you ate a whole pizza, that kid’s cotton candy, 4 cowtails, 3 airheads, my buffalo wings, fries, and cinnamon sticks? Oh and that side salad? Hmm… explain that one!
TAYLOR: (under his breath) becauseismokedupwithkrisandrobbeforewemet
Selena turns quickly and glares at him thinking she's just missed understood what he just muttered under his breath, but sensing that the muttering was on purpose.
SELENA:(wide eye) What did you say?
TAYLOR: (recovering quickly) I said because I don’t like any of the food they serve on set?
Selena pauses in thought for a moment, then accepts the idea as she delves into more questions.
SELENA: Well then how come you are always saying rob stinks?
TAYLOR: Because he does. Like cigarettes and booze. Some people like it.
SELENA: Some people like Kristen?
TAYLOR: Especially Kristen.
SELENA: But you don’t?
TAYLOR: No. I can’t stand his smell.
SELENA: (victoriously) AHHA!! You don’t like the way he smells because YOU are a WEREWOLF and HEis a VAMPIRE.
TAYLOR: (sighing in defeat) No Selena, No.
SELENA: Well how do you…
Taylor cuts Selena off mid question before she has a chance to make him any more stupid with her thoughts.
TAYLOR: (seriously) Let me ask you this Selena… when you met Rob, did he sparkle?
Selena pauses for a long moment, her face crunched in pain, as this is clearly the most thought she’s done in a while.
SELENA: (thoughtfully) Define… sparkle?
TAYLOR: (annoyed) Selena…
SELENA: (defeated) Fine… then no.
TAYLOR: (slightly cocky) Okay now hug me. Does my skin feel like I’m on fire?
Selena throws her arms around Taylor and concentrates on hugging. Taylor sneakily slinks his hand up her back… totally going for the cheap feel.
SELENA: I don’t know, I mean I’m pretty hot right now so…
TAYLOR: Selena, it's freezing out here and we are soaking wet. You and I both know that that if i were a werewolf i'd be on fire right now.
Selena sighs against the hug. She doesn't' say anything for a long moment. Taylor thinks he might have just gotten through the disney fantasy brain-washed side of her brain to the utterly discarded, covered in cobwebs sensible part of her brain.
SELENA: (testing) So you’re saying you are not a werewolf?
TAYLOR: No, for the 100th time, I am not a werewolf.
SELENA: (still not freaking getting it) Not even just a little?
TAYLOR: No Honey, No.
They pull away from the hug and continue on in silence back to Selena's hotel. When they arrive, Taylor pulls open the door like a true gentleman teen... you know the gentleman teen who's trying to get some and knows exactly what moves to make in order to get said some.
SELENA: (taken aback, hostile) What do you think you are doing?
TAYLOR: (really freakin confused) I’m holding the door for you.
SELENA: (roughly, angrily, loudly) So you think you are just going to bring me back to some hotel and have your way with me and I won’t notice? What kind of idiot do you take me for! I said only if we imprinted! Which is clearly never going to happen according to you!
TAYLOR: (very slowly, as if explaining to paris hilton) Umm… no Selena. This is your hotel. Where you’ve been staying the last 2 weeks. I picked you up here, and now I’m dropping you off here. Since the date is over.
SELENA: Ohh.
TAYLOR: (wickedly) You know… I was thinking… maybe if we were alone… like really alone… maybe the imprinting could happen… maybe it’s not happening because other people are always getting in the way…
SELENA: (Selena’s eyes light up) Really?!
TAYLOR: I mean… I don’t know … the other day rob was in the sun, and he was sort of ‘glowing’. And I did eat A LOT of food… and I can run pretty fast lately… plus i'm hot, are you hot? so maybe, just maybe..
Before he can even finish his thoughts Selena grabs his hand hastily and swiftly leads him into the hotel.
As most of you may know… it bothers the HELL out of me how often JACOB calls BELLA honey in NEW MOON. Like makes me cringe. And because we all know that Taylor is taking his romancing cues from Edward and Jacob, I 100% believe it to be true beyond reasonable doubt that he is calling Selena Honey. Also, I don't think Selena is that stupid. She probably just thinks he's not imprinting because he hasn't let her see him phase yet.
